Detox.....day 2

So...whatever. I quit quitting. I should have listened to Laura early on. Dealing with the obsession is so much easier than the withdrawals. I've taken a good, hard look at my issue and have decided to embrace it!!

I'm off to see Edward again tonight. 8pm. And I'm so excited!! *insert high pitched squeaky voice here* I cannot wait to see it again! You'd think after the fourth time I will be fulfilled, but I also thought that about the second and third time.

See you in a few short hours my dear!!

Detox.....day 1

..the day started off okay. although edward's beautiful face lingered in the back of my mind, an early dr. appt for chase kept me busy, followed by lunch with my husband. (an admittedly amazing mortal). i came home to take a nap with chase. one quick glance at my desktop pic changed it all. i've been on here for about an hour. back on youtube...even thought about how/when i could see the movie again....sigh....

i changed my desktop to a family picture. i'm going to take a nap and sleep it off. laura was right...this is harder than i thought it would be.

Stars in my eyes.....

My name is Jessica, and I am an Edwardaholic. It's an addiction. It's not healthy, and it needs to stop!

"It's just a movie...it's just a movie..."

I have been trying to be rational. I've repeated this line in my head several dozen times. I went Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to see it. I think about it all the time. I listen to the cd over and over. Each time I've seen it, I get the same ache in my stomach. I'm determined I've never seen a more beautiful man in my life. I've changed my MySpace layout, my song, my computer desktop, spent countless hours on youtube watching interviews with him.....it has to stop!

I need to snap out of it. Join the real world again. I've decided the only way I can do this is to go cold turkey. I won't go back to see the movie this week (even though I'm off ALL week for Thanksgiving break), the cd is put away, and I'm staying off my computer unless absolutely necessary. (well...at least off youtube!) I am going to attempt to read New Moon, but if things get bad again I will have to put it away until I am stronger. Edward, I have to quit you. If I don't do it now, I don't know if I will ever be able to. I need my sanity back!!

I will let you all know how the detox goes. Wish me luck...

Stressed.....

What a crazy few days. I am starting to realize that teaching is the hardest, greatest, most frustrating, most rewarding, most difficult, most natural, most stressful, most fulfilling job I will ever have in my life.

I can't even begin to explain what this week has been like for me. Even if I tried, and took up pages of explanation, I feel like I could never convey what it is like to walk a day in my shoes. I try to explain it to friends, and my husband. And while I can give every single detail of the day, I feel like no one will ever really understand what I am feeling. I don't want that to sound like a bad thing, or like it's anyone's fault for not understanding, but it's just something that has to be experienced to fully understand.

I remember when I was a student in elementary school and being the teacher just seemed so easy. I don't know if it was easier in the past, or I just didn't have the right view of it. Maybe it's a combination of both. Maybe it's the socioeconomic status of the school I'm in that's making the difference. I certainly don't remember going to school with kid's whose parents didn't feed them or give them clean clothes on a daily basis. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe times have just changed that much....

I keep asking myself..."Is it supposed to be this hard??" I know it's a cliche thing to hear from a teacher..."I don't get paid enough" and "This is the most stressful job ever", but those two things couldn't be more true this week. Please if you ever hear this coming from a teacher do me one favor. Believe it!! I come home at the end of the day and want to crumble into a ball on my bed and sleep.

Any given day of the week I deal with parents, co teachers, Special Ed teachers, administration, scheduling conflicts, behavior checklists, committee meetings, professional development classes and the work that comes along with them, RTI meetings, instructional meetings, faculty meetings, grade level planning, head lice, fights on the playground, grading papers, checking agendas, organizing field trips, IEP meetings, attendance reports, home visits, christmas tree decorating contests, letters to the troops, PTO meetings, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.....wait. I'm SUPPOSED to be teaching kids, right?? That's my job, to teach these kids, but juggling all those things I mentioned (plus those things I forgot) and still trying to give the kids all I've got is a balance I'm still learning to have. I never imagined all of the baggage that comes along with teaching children.

Does is sound like I'm complaining? Well...maybe I am. But I don't mean to be. I just really need another person to understand what my days are like, and that's pretty hard. I just really need another person to help me understand that what I am doing is impacting these children in a positive way. I love my job. I never want to do anything else except teach. And some days I walk away with a smile on my face and a confidence that I've got it all together and things are better than I ever could have imagined. Today though....today I'm tired. I'm pushing as hard as I can on a wall that is moving inch by inch and it's exhausting. The good part is, deep down, I still feel like the rest of this year will fly by just as fast as the first 4 months did, and when it does, I'm going to smile and wave goodbye to my fourth grade babies and know they are better, smarter children because of me. And THAT's why I get up everyday and go back. That's why I will continue to give my babies all that I've got....

p.s. one more day until thanksgiving break!! :)

Happy 2nd Anniversary!!

Tomorrow I will celebrate my 2nd anniversary with Wes! I was going through some old cards and keepsakes that Wes has when I came across a list of the top 100 reasons why I love him. I gave this list to him right after we got married. As I read through the list I felt like the luckiest woman alive because two years later all of these things are still true, and I know 50 years from now they still will be....

1.You take care of me and Chase.
2.You are genuine.
3.You have a huge heart.
4.You are honest.
5.You make me laugh.
6.You love my hugs and kisses.
7.You force me to open up.
8.You care about how I feel.
9.You have an amazing faith.
10.You have beautiful eyes.
11.You take care of me when I'm sick.
12.You always consider my feelings.
13.You love my ass ;)
14.CENSORED
15.You keep me calm.
16.You pray with me.
17.You help me see God.
18.You are understanding.
19.You are smart.
20.You have wonderful "did you knows..."
21.You let me sleep in.
22.You watch Rachel Ray with me.
23.Your smile goes all the way to your eyes.
24.You are an uber dancer.
25.You teach me words like 'uber'.
26.You are low maintenance.
27.You are the best friend I've ever had.
28.You drive the speed limit.
29.You have great hands.
30.You keep me balanced.
31.You laugh at my jokes.
32.CENSORED
33.You love my cooking.
34.You let me drive.
35.You always support me.
36.You make me feel like we are a team.
37.You take me on dates.
38.You buy me flowers.
39.You write me love notes.
40.You love camping.
41.You want me forever.
42.CENSORED
43.You grow with me everyday.
44.You are dependable.
45.You make me feel 'home' anywhere.
46.You swim in the ocean with me.
47.You make me want to be a better person.
48.You have an unique style.
49.You play the bass.
50.You pop my toes.
51.You cuddle with me.
52.You teach me lyrics to Bob Marley songs.
53.You teach me about Magic.
54.You keep all my secrets.
55.You don't judge me.
56.You are a fabulous singer.
57.You have patience with me.
58.You don't get jealous.
59.You don't try to control me.
60.You always listen to me.
61.You have goals for us.
62.CENSORED
63.You make me feel like a woman.
64.You make me proud to be your wife.
65.You buy me chocolate.
66.You look sexy in blue.
67.You love my body.
68.You take me on vacations.
69.You are trustworthy.
70.You love cookies.
71.You made me watch LOTR.
72.You give amazing massages.
73.You want to make me happy.
74.CENSORED
75.You play with our son.
76.You need to feel love.
77.You love affection.
78.You let me have control sometimes.
79.You accept my family.
80.You are laid back.
81.You secretly enjoy my lists.
82.You gave me your last name.
83.You sing with me.
84.You let me vent.
85.You show your emotions.
86.You are willing to work for things.
87.You are not obsessed with football.
88.You are affectionate.
89.You appreciate me.
90.You have sloppy handwriting.
91.You need stability.
92.You like to fix things.
93.You are mild mannered.
94.You love chicken.
95.You are vulnerable.
96.You respect women.
97.You don't like fighting.
98.You are an amazing father.
99.You make me feel secure.
100.You said "I Do!"

Happy Anniversary Wes!! I love your stinkin' guts!!

A question of love....

"This is the only world we have...and the other guy counts, too"



This is worthy of sharing. So beautifully said; he puts the MAN in Olbermann!!

Sick and yucky....

This is what I feel like today. I dragged myself to school this morning and survived the day....barely. I hate how you feel fine one day and wake up feeling like HELL the next. I'm all achy and my throat is killing me. I hope I am not getting strep throat! GUGHGHGHGHGH.....

I lined everything up for a sub when I left school today just in case I wake up in the morning feeling worse. Tonight I'm making this new recipe I found...so maybe that will help me feel better.

And so I blog...

Lately it's been hard to keep up with this blog! Between MySpace and Facebook my social networking to do list has been full! I don't think anyone reads this who doesn't 'know' me on said social networks, so the task seems a bit redundant. I also ask myself a lot..."Who exactly am I talking to when I'm blogging?" Most of the people who read are in my daily lives so they know all my updates and stories. I guess I really need to remember to blog for ME! Although I do love my fans...all 6 of you! I thought about trying to point this blog in a more specific direction...family? job?? friends? I need to just sit down every day or so and type about whatever comes to mind. So that's the plan....I am going to try to start blogging again. Consider this your warning! Boring, random tidbits headed your way!

Well for starters, I threw an AWESOME Halloween party at my house!! I don't even feel bad bragging about it because it was amazing. Here are some pics to prove it! These parties make me feel so lucky to have the most amazing friends. I also went out for a friend's Bachelorette party this weekend! I will post pics of that night soon, too!