That's all folks...

Celebrate We Will...is the name of this blog. And celebrate we did. Laughs and cries and memories that thanks to this blog I will never ever forget. It just seems like this particular part of my life that I share has come to the end of its chapter. Life happens...and when it starts to happen again I will blog about it again, but on a different url. Once I get it started, I'll post a link for anyone who cares to follow along. A bittersweet adios to you my blog....

I did a lot this weekend...

I tried,
I failed,
I cried,
I hugged,
I avoided,
I procrastinated,
I cursed,
I distracted myself,
I eyed,
I thought,
I remembered,
I reminisced,
I am thankful,
I smiled,
I cried,
I stared,
I thought,
I took a deep breath,
I prayed,
I read,
I cried...and cried,

I signed.

QOTD

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

-August Wilson

Mental Health Vacay!

I went on a weekend getaway with my bestie Heather. We left on Friday morning and got back tonight (Sunday). We had a ridiculously good time. We got lots of sun. We played for hours in the sand and ocean like we were teenagers or something. We ate some amazing crab legs at dinner and Burger King at midnight. We met new friends. We listened to music and danced and got our noses pierced. We talked about life on the beach at night and listened to the peacefulness of the ocean. We laughed until we cried. I will never forget this trip... :)

Run 8

Taking two weeks off is stupid. Tonight hurt...bad. Worse than any other run. I picked up where I left off with 2 4-min. runs, but just barely. My nasty cough is not gone yet so the deep breathing just made it worse. My head is pounding and my legs hurt. It's gonna take a lot more than weather to get me off this course again. Hot bath and early bedtime.

My top 3 reasons...

...why I haven't been running lately.

1. Weather. So last week it did nothing but rain...all week. I think we had one nice day but the pollen was a yellow haze that I didn't feel like running in. Since then the weather's still be crappy. This week isn't going to be much better. For some stupid reason the temps are going to be in the 20s and 30s here at the beginning of this week with still more rain on the way. Grrrr. Hopefully by the middle of this week I'll be able to get back out there.

2. Sickness. I acquired a nasty cold. It only lasted for a few days...thanks to the all the meds I got shot up with yesterday, but the chest/cough part is still not fun. I'm hoping this also wraps itself up this week.

3. The L-Word. I know what you're thinking...lazy? ;) Well..a lil bit, but I was actually gonna say Life. Sometimes life just gets in the way! I worked a lot at my second job this weekend and hung out with some friends. I had a really good time and the people who I was with help my sanity as much as running does. So I've been busy and just really not devoting as much time as I should to my new habit. That will hopefully change this week though. I've had a nice few weeks here at the new place. I've had days in the past month where all the 'boxes' I've created in my life were getting jumbled up and I was losing my balance. I still have some boxes to eliminate, but at least for now I have a calm and steady grasp on all of them. This week at work may get a little stressful. My kids are taking their state tests so send some good thoughts my way.

Next post: run update! :)

Run 7

8 min walk
4 min run
4 min walk
4 min run
10 min walk


Ouch. My calves hurt like a mother tonight. I am literally limping. I'm not sure if the running is catching up to me (haha) or I'm not stretching good enough before/after. It feels like someone's stabbing knives in them. Hopefully I can figure out what caused it and prevent this in the future...cause damn, my calves are mooin'. :(

One (or two) more run(s) on this week 2 goal and I'm ready to move on to week 3! I have a new running crew though, and that makes it even better! :)

Run 6

I felt like I was a few inches from the edge today...I had visits and words of encouragement from friends, so that helped. Then tonight the Bells were going to the track with Mike. Enough is enough...get off the couch and out of this house. That thought turned into this...

Week 2 goal = met.

8 min walk
4 min run
4 min walk
4 min run
10 min walk

It hurt like hell but felt amazing at the same time. My sanity is slowly coming back. :) I'm going to continue this routine several more times this week then move on to my week 3 goal. This is part of an 8 week program...and I'm planning on getting one of these once I am halfway there and complete my week 4 goal.

Honesty...

It's not always runs and new experiences. It's not always an open future and new opportunities. Some days...it's looking behind me and mourning.

I can't smile everyday. I can't think positively everyday. I don't feel good everyday and I'm not strong everyday. I'm only human.

Right this second...I can't smile. I can't think positively, I don't feel good or strong. Today...I just feel sad. Really...sad.

Tomorrow morning my feet will hit the floor and I can only hope for a better day.

Run 5

8 min walk
3 min run
3 min walk
3 min run
3 min walk
2 min run
8 min walk/pray I don't pass out....

How did that become so hard?? Maybe it was the heat. I was also running a total of 6 minutes before, and today went up to 8. I guess this isn't supposed to be easy. I always feel so great after though..(well..about 20 min. after). I learned a bit more about stretching today and I really need to make that part of my routine. Oh...and I found one of my 'power songs'. Killing in the name by Rage. It makes me angry and push through whatever hurts at the moment.

Today's plans are to go get a small grill and cook out with a few friends on the back deck. The new place is clean (pics soon) and I'm ready to just chill and eat and live here. I'll try to take some pics. This will be the first time I've ever operated or cooked off a grill on my own...so it could get interesting!

C'mon Tooth Fairy!

Chase told me this evening that all the kids in his class have been losing teeth lately. He looked so bummed, and asked me when he was going to get to lose a tooth. I checked around, but they all feel snug. I tried to encourage him that they would come out soon enough. It didn't seem to cheer him up much. Later he asked me for a piece of paper and a pencil...then asked me how to spell "haven't". I found this under his pillow tonight while he was in the tub...

Run 4

10 min walk
10 min alternating walk/run at 2 min. intervals
10 min walk

Feeling stronger and pushing a little harder each time. Running does more for my mind right now than it does for my body, which is a good thing. Today was a rough day, but I felt tons better after leaving the track. Well...not tons, but better. :) The fact is...some days are just so much harder than others.

Run 3

Back to the pavement today...with the company of my bestie. This go around was much easier than last time, so I'm hoping I create a pattern with that. I'm gonna go one or two more times on this routine then it's time to 'step' (tehee) it up a notch!

Tonight...

10 min walk
10 min alternating walk/run at 2 min. intervals
10 min walk

I felt really good after! I also got a phone call on the way home about a part time job every other Saturday at the Country Kitchen in Barnesville. "S'more sweet tea there shugah??" It's just gonna be a lil extra spending money, but Chase will be at his dad's so I think it's gonna be a good thing. Come down and see me! I'm starting this Saturday!!

Run 2

Is running 6 out of 30 minutes really considered a "run"? Maybe I need a new title for these....

So I a had run planned for this morning, but woke up to more rain. I was feeling energized and ready to go so I was kinda bummed about the weather. Around that time I was reminded.."It's not acid..it's just rain". That was all I needed.

Several layers later I was at the track. My ipod was fully charged this time and it really does make a ton of difference. I can probably make every song lyric apply to my life in some way, but it seemed like my ipod was talking to me this morning.

The bad news is the track here in Milner is kinda old, so there were parts that were completely flooded with water. I walked around them for the first 10 minutes. The second walk/run 10 minutes were another story. I stopped worrying about the water and just ran. Within seconds my feet were soaked up to my knees. I also got hot pretty quickly, so several layers had to come off.

The good news?? I did it. I met this week's goal on day 2. During my middle 10 I ran for 6 minutes and walked for 4 (alternating every two minutes). I was surprised how quickly 2 minutes went by. While I am proud of myself for being able to do it, I'm not moving to goal 2 yet. I'm going to stick with the same routine the rest of the week with the new goal being for it to be a lil easier to do. It was rough. It doesn't seem like a lot of running, but it was for me. By the 3rd round of running I was hurting. I really do think the rain helped though. It made me feel free and energized.

If you don't want to run, just go out and jump in a big ol' rain puddle. You'll see what I mean. :)

Run 1

Well...here we go. I'm in the new place and I'm surrounded by a new quiet that I'm starting to get used to. I still feel that itch..."find something to do, find a distraction, what's next??" But I scratch it a hell of a lot less often than I used to and that's a good thing. What it leaves me with is a lot of down time. I've used this time to chill and get things settled and most importantly bond with Chase. I found myself exhausted after week 1 of being a single parent again. I've also found that I am totally ok with the aloneness that this new place brings. It's a really good feeling...today. :)

So with down time comes the need for a "hobby". My old hobbies were umm...not so healthy to say the least, so I've been in the market for a few new ones. Knitting?? nah. Scrapbooking? blegh. Reading? Well this one is good, and would just be an extension to an already good/healthy hobby I have in my love for books. This old hobby, and the inspiration from a friend, both lead me to a book called The Complete Book of Women's Running. In the past week I've torn into this book. It's an easy read and it answers so many questions that are common to people who have no idea where the hell to start when it comes to putting their feet to the pavement and just doing it.

I'm certainly starting as a beginner. I'm following the book as close as I can, and I've set a goal for myself. It's part of an 8 week plan...

Week 1 - 30 minutes
10 min. walk
10 min. walk/run - alternating 2 min. walk/2 min. run
10 min. walk

Tonight was my first night. I was very surprised! For one...my feet hurt like HELL. I have good running shoes that are made for the type of runner I am (learned that in the book too), but damn. Running hurts my feet. I also realized that I have GOT to stop smoking if I'm going to take this seriously. My chest was a combination of coldness and fire with every deep inhale of oxygen. Not a good feeling. Lastly, I did better than I thought I would! I didn't bring a watch, and my ipod was dead, but I had two friends beside me to cheer me on as I ran two laps around the small track here in our town. I did (roughly) the 10 min. warm up and cool down with a short run in between. I'm thinking it was about 3 minutes of non stop running but it wasn't timed and I didn't alternate it with walking for that middle 10 minute block. It was still a success though! Now, thanks to those two friends, I have a stop watch that I'm going to start using to make sure I meet my weekly goal(s). My ipod is charging now and I'm ready for another trip to the track tomorrow. It's only day 1...and I have a LONG way to go, but I'm ready. I felt powerful and healthy and motivated tonight. I hope it stays. I'm going to try to use my blog as a journal of how everything goes, but I'll post other life updates as well. Here goes nothing!

Looking Forward...

What a crazy few weeks I've had. Too many changes that have left my head spinning a bit. I moved into my new place this weekend. A super cute 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment that feels like a little house. Patrick and Marlena are my new neighbors and I am SO thankful to have them so close! There are times when the sadness feels overwhelming, but other times the new opportunities have me feeling a little excited. I had some help this weekend from some awesome friends. I've made several 'mistakes' in the past few weeks, and probably could have done a few things differently, but the people who mean the most to me and love me unconditionally have really shown their faces lately. I am thankful for that. I have had my eyes opened lately...to people who are not healthy for me to have in my life, to people who have always been there and created deeper roots, to awesome new friends who remind me to breathe and help put things into perspective. To put things bluntly, I am finding myself all over again...or..for the first time. It's an interesting journey, but it's a good thing.

I want to post pics of the new crib...but for now I have snow pics! Among the moving and unpacking we got some hellah snow this weekend! It was beautiful and peaceful and actually helped my sanity this weekend! Here are a few pics...thank you Patrick for coming over for a snowball fight with Chase!







This is definitely a soul searching experience, and I'm working on loving myself. Chase is taking things really well. He's excited about the new place and he's seemed to let go of Wes easily. Part of me thinks that he's super mature and taking things well, another part of me thinks that his idea of 'commitment' is so skewed that I'm going to have some work to do down the road. Both of these are probably true...but we've really bonded this weekend and I'm thankful for that.

This past month has found me loved and lost, strong and weak, broken down and tall...but I'm looking forward. I see future nights of tears and laughs and new experiences. I am learning how to be alone and how to be ok with being alone. I'm learning how to listen to myself and really search for what I want and what I need and what's best for Chase and I. Here's to not only a new chapter, but a whole new book. I want to find the inspiration in myself that other people see, and find a new normal.

I am going to take a few pics of the new place, and post them soon. :) Here's to a new Jess.

I'm movin' on...

So I usually don't like to post lyrics. I think it's kinda cheesy, but these touch me too close to home not to post....

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame,
trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Turning the page...

This song usually gets stuck in my head today, but it applies to me more today than it ever did before...

"Say, here I am, on the road again. there I am, up on the stage.
Here I go, playing star again.
There I go, turn the page..."

In recent silly news...I watched my first scary(ish) movie! For anyone who doesn't know, I do NOT watch horror movies. I'm taking 'baby steps'...and I'll blog about it soon.

My Siblings...

My brother John and my sister Jackilyn. The three of us could tell some stories! My brother's birthday is coming up in a few days. He will be 29! I have the most vivid memories of us as children. I would pedal my bike as fast as I could to try to keep up with him. I tried playing Nintendo with my two fingers on the A B buttons instead of using my thumb...just like he did. Whatever he did and wherever he went...I wanted to be there too. I idolized him. He has a calm, old soul. He is rational and thinks everything through. We are opposites in that aspect. I cannot recall having one.single.fight with my brother. He is amazing and I am going to make sure he knows that more often.

My sister is 19. When I was 19, I moved out and got pregnant. The head she has on her shoulders is so much more steady than mine was at that age. She is stubborn as HELL and she's determined...we are similar in that aspect. :) She has dealt with more in her past few years than most teenagers should need to, but she's a stronger person for it. Anytime I think the memory of my dad is fading, I look at Jack and see him. In her appearance, her walk, her shoulders, her attitude, and her problem solving skills..(or lack thereof!) ;)

I miss my siblings terribly lately. They both live close, and we are having dinner Sunday. The 19th is quickly approaching us...togetherness is important. The best thing about family is not having to say a word and understanding the other person's life because it was your life too.

I'm starting a new journey in my life...and I want them both to be a huge part of it. I am looking forward to reconnecting. :)

Photo Tag!

I was tagged by Heather! Here is the fourth pic from the fourth folder on my computer..






It has Heather in it! And her boy Charlie Fekadu. They are looking out at the big mountains. This picture was taken last year on our trip to the Blue Ridge Mtns. Altogether it was Wes, Me, Chase, Heather, Adam, Charlie, Catherine, Dustin, and Owen. We loaded up the cars and drove up for the weekend. It was bbbbbeeeaaauuutiful up there! We stayed in a gorgeous cabin right on the side of a mountain. We grilled and drank and hung out in the hot tub and played games. I remember getting Cat tipsy on my Bacardi limon drinks and I remember making Heather hot tea in the morning b/c she lost her voice. I remember our kids playing together and going fishing! (Ok..we 'paid' to fish), but we brought that shit home and fried it up! It was amazing! It was a fun vacation! I need another one reallll soon. :)

Who Nose?

I really really really want to pierce my nose. I'vI want a small diamond stud just like this one. I've always kinda wanted to, but for some reason today...I just really need to. It's small and cute and I know I would LOVE it. Hmm...dress code at work doesn't exactly allow for it....buuuuut. sigh. Maybe they won't notice??

I want one!!

ok ok...let's try this again.

blogging that is. not necessarily to entertain or inform the .8 readers out there...sort of just to get it out of my head. :)

i never did blog about new years eve. or post pictures. but it was fun! promise. if you were there, you know how awesome it was. if you weren't, you missed a good one! even with the 'vomitpalooza' situations.

picking up from this weekend. fun times!! life's kinda been one big ol' party since the new year started...and i'm kinda digging that! i did some dancing friday night with some awesome friends, and also got to see a show in atlanta saturday night. liz rode up there with us to see jay bang on the drums and i can honestly say it rocked my face off! (i'm gonna borrow that...mkay?) last night the drum banging continued...only this time on jay's rockband drums. we also played around with liz's wiifit. it was the first time i'd played with one but it was FUN! heather...we need to get one for your house!

today is mlk day. chase and i are both out of school, and as you can see from my last paragraph i could use some rest. chase was with his dad this weekend so we're gonna chillax together and i'm gonna try to get some housework done. so far i've failed at the second part...but i'm hoping to find some motivation soon. it just seems like a good day to lay on the couch and be introspective. :)